im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
