Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
