1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
