so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
No I am not eating basil off your cock
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
