Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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