i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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