Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
