Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
