i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
