I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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