You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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