I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize