I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
