you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
My balls are so social today.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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