I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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