don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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