There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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