it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
