she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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