was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Come share oat with me in your robe
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
