if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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