are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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