mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
