Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I party with great urgency now.
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