At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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