What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
