I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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