And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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