i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
