I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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