Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
