dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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