I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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