You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
