I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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