so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
