The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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