I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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