My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
