I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
