I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
