WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize