I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
