i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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