what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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