I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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