i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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