left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
