he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
