You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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