even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
