Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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