she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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