Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
