worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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