Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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