no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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