I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
