I just threw up on my dentist
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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