Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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