he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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